However, I did get to attend the amazing show last night in Austin with two of my close friends from childhood, Stephanie and Samantha. And wouldn't you know I totally forgot to get a picture of the three of us! Adelle, you'd think you taught us better!
So, in celebration of LTYM Austin, here was my submission:
Unplanned Lessons of Motherhood
by Brooke Meabon
Three years ago, I left the business world to take up my new job as a stay-at-home mom. I took the parenting classes, read the books, listened to the nurses and doctors in the hospital and did everything I could to educate myself for the little lives that I would be responsible for. However, there are lessons I’ve learned over the last three years that my education, my career, the parenting classes or books never told me about. I’d like to share with you some of these nuggets of knowledge in hopes that you will be well equipped as I clearly was not:
- With a crying baby in the background, a full conversation can take place between a couple at 3am using only elbow thrusts, grunts and moans of exhaustion.
- If you thought your boobs were big during your pregnancy, within days of having a baby, your boobs will grow to freakishly gargantuan proportions that no one ever warns you about. On the other hand, about two weeks after weaning that baby, you will wake up one morning and - BAM! - they will be two sizes smaller than they ever were and look like a shriveled noodle with a meatball hanging at the end.
- Did you know that Thomas the Tank Engine stickers can go anywhere to add a little decorating pizazz? Leather car seats, antique dining room tables, your computer screen, the walls of your master bedroom – seriously, anywhere!
- A tutu, swimming goggles and cowboy boots can be worn as an outfit every day and night for 5 weeks, only being taken off for bathing purposes.
- Now, I owe my husband an apology about this one since I have previously given him a hard time. Men’s obsession with touching their junk is ingrained in their being. I go to change my sweet baby boy’s diaper and the second that sucker opens up, his hands are pawing at that little penis like a Harlem Globetrotter spinning a basketball.
- As a mother, things will come out of your mouth that you never dreamed possible. Things like:
“Don’t hit your brother in the head with the pumpkin”
“Yes, Daddy is going tinkle on the big girl potty” and
“Sweetie, put it down. That’s dog doo-doo, not a candy bar.”
- The longest dinosaur name is micropachycephalosaurus. The beloved brontosaurus we learned about as children no longer exists. I am now a walking dinosaur encyclopedia. And this is not information that you should breakout at your husband’s holiday dinner party. I speak from experience; it’s a quick way to end a conversation with his boss.
- In times of emergency, an unused tampon can entertain a toddler in a doctor’s office for approximately 14 minutes.
- Breast milk tastes like sugar. Okay, no I’m not using it to churn butter or flavoring my coffee in the morning with a squeeze of the boob but who hasn’t taken a little taste in the delirium of the newborn days and thought, “Wow, this is surprisingly delicious!”
- Speaking of breast milk, are you aware that you can shoot it out of your nipple across the room? The next time you’re in an argument with your husband, try it. The look on his face will be priceless.
- If you have a crying baby in a grocery store and lose a pacifier, you automatically turn into a Navy Seal on a mission to track down and capture the missing unit.
- Goldfish crackers can be eaten for breakfast, lunch and dinner….by a grown woman.
- There are some days that you might feel the urge to hide in your closet with a log of salami and a bottle of red wine. DO NOT give into this urge. Otherwise, remember that bottle of nail polish you left on the bathroom counter? Your cat’s eyebrows will now be a trendy shade of OPI’s Cha-Ching Cherry.
- Fun Fact: Did you know that teething was invented by Satan? He also invented potty training.
- Showering, bathing and using the restroom under strict surveillance while having every imperfection of your body pointed out (“Mommy, your bottom is as big as the sun!”) – it becomes somewhat endearing and when you don’t have a pair of eyes staring you down as the Calgone takes you away, you suddenly feel a little lonely.
- After you receive a call from your child’s preschool saying they are in the office bleeding, you will quickly realize that you missed your calling to be a NASCAR driver.
- In my opinion, toys that sing, light up or talk should be beaten into submission with a baseball bat.
- Ladies, you might not believe me now but your husband will look sexier to you in sweats with a sleeping baby in his arms than he ever did in a tuxedo.
- Some of your strongest friendships will be started with the simple question, “How old is your child?” And friendships that are formed through the joys and trials of motherhood will become vital since you have someone that just gets it.
- You will grow to love and appreciate your own mother so much more after having children because you can finally get a glimpse of how much she loves you.
- You never think the love of your first child can be duplicated, but then you have another child and realize it is multiplied with each addition.
- And last, it is possible for your heart to exist outside of your chest and live in the form of a little human being.